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1. Actual Headlines

Actual headlines collected from local, national, and international newspapers that are rather ambiguous. It is clear what the writer was trying to say, but in each case there is a funnier interpretation of the headline. Enjoy!

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon

Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Panda Mating Fails; Veterninarian Takes Over

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Lawmen From Mexico Barbeque Guests

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Hershey Bars Protest

2. The 25 Best Newspaper Headlines of 1999

The 25 Best Newspaper Headlines of 1999

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

2. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death

14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

16. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

17. War Dims Hope for Peace

18. If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

24. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

3. Funny Newspaper Bloopers

Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers. These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of “Anguished English”.

On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband.

The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it crashed, witnesses said.

With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim.

A purple lady’s bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane recently.

Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent-teacher groups to support the governor’s task force on driving while intoxicated.

He hasn’t even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated.

Montreal police don’t hesitate to use whatever laws, regulations or persuasion they feel they need to control morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold.

A college friendship that began a year ago ended in matrimony yesterday.

4. Top Twenty Flight Advertising Slogans

1. BadAir: When you just can’t wait for the world to come to you.

2. BadAir: We’re Amtrak with wings.

3. Join our frequent near-miss program.

4. On flights, every section is a smoking section.

5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.

6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin.

7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don’t worry. We’ll turn them off.

8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.

9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.

10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.

11. If you think it’s so easy, get your own plane!

12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?

13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.

14. BadAir: We may be landing on your street.

15. BadAir: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.

16. Bring a bathing suit.

17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.

18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.

19. Fly BadAir and enjoy a free two-week hospital stay on us.

20. BadAir: A real man lands where he wants to.

5. Newly Issued Alcohol Warnings

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.