Funny Jokes Answering Machine Messages

1. Answering Machine Messages –  Money

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

2. Answering Machine Messages – No Sales

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

3. Answering Machine Messages – Short

Hi. Now you say something.

4. Answering Machine Messages

Hi, I’m not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

5. Answering Machine Messages

Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?

6. Answering Machine Messages

Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

7. Answering Machine Messages – Telepathic

This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I’ll think about returning your call.

8. Answering Machine Messages – Avoiding

Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

9. Answering Machine Messages

Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

10. Answering Machine Messages – Burglar

If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave a message.