Funniest Lawyer Jokes – Court Justice Fun Joke
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Well Educated Lawyer Jokes and Attorney Humor
1. Old Lawyer
Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, “We’ve been waiting a long time for you.”
“What do you mean?” he replied. “I’m only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?”
“45? You’re not 45, you’re 82,” replied the angel.
“Wait a minute. If you think I’m 82, then you have the wrong guy. I’m only 45. I can show you my birth certificate.”
“Hold on. Let me go check,” said the angel and disappeared inside.
After a few minutes the angel returned. “Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82.
2. Disorder In The Court
Things people actually said in court, word for word:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, “where am I Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well I can see pretty well I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played horn for ten years. I even went to school for it.
3. A Blonde Game Of Intelligence
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
4. The Lexus
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side. The
lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are, he said. You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.
How can you say such a thing? asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.
My God, screamed the lawyer. Where’s my Rolex?
5. A Truck Drivers Duty
A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn’t run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway. Looking back as he drove on, he didn’t see anything. He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. “I’m sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road.”
But the priest said, “Don’t worry, son. I got him with my door.
6. Be My Valentine
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’
But why? asks the man.
I’m a divorce lawyer, the man replies.
7. Honest Lawyer?
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
My name is Bobby. What’s yours? asked the first boy.
Danny, replied the second. My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?” asked Bobby.
Danny replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.
Honest? asked Bobby.
No, just the regular kind, replied Danny.
8. A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer
A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas and are forced to stop at a farmer’s house. The farmer says that there are only two extra beds, so one person will have to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu says, ‘I’m humble, I will sleep in the barn.’ So, he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It’s the Hindu and he says, ‘There is a cow in the barn. It’s against my beliefs to sleep with a cow.’
So, the Rabbi says, ‘I’m humble, I’ll sleep in the barn.’ A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it’s the Rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn.
So, the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door.
It’s the pig and the cow.
9. Lawyer dies and goes to heaven
A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. “Hello mate,” says St. Peter, “I’m sorry, no Lawyers in heaven.
“What?” exclaims the man, astonished.
You heard, no Lawyers.
“But, but, but, I’ve been a good man”, replies the Lawyer.
“Oh really”, says St. Peter. What have you done, then ?
“Well” said the guy, Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving
children in Africa.
“Oh” says St.Peter. anything else?
Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless.
“Hmmm. Anything else?” Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian
orphans.
“Okay”, said St. Peter, You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss.
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
He looks the bloke in the eye and says, I’ve had a word with God and he
agrees with me. Here’s your thirty dollars back, now take a hike.
10. Lawyer Dies and Goes to Heaven
A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. “Hello mate,” says St. Peter, I’m sorry, no Lawyers in heaven.
“What?” exclaims the man, astonished.
You heard, no Lawyers.
But, but, but, I’ve been a good man, replies the Lawyer.
“Oh really”, says St. Peter. What have you done, then ?
“Well” said the guy, Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving
children in Africa.
“Oh” says St.Peter. anything else?
Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless.
“Hmmm. Anything else?” Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian
orphans.
“Okay”, said St. Peter, You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss.
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
He looks the bloke in the eye and says, I’ve had a word with God and he
agrees with me. Here’s your thirty dollars back, now take a hike.
11. Lawyers & Charity
A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn’t donate even a cent to a charity.
“First of all”, says the lawyer, “my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it’s not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister’s husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children…”
“I’m terribly sorry”, says the United Way man, “I feel bad about asking for money.”
The Lawyer responds, “Yeah, well if I’m not giving them any money, why should I give you any?
12. Lawyer Choice
There was a job opening in the country’s most prestigious law firm and it finally came down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both came from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It’s up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, Why did you become a lawyer?
In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.
I don’t understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I’d lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?
I said I became a lawyer because of my hands, Robert replies.
Your hands? What do you mean?
Well, I took a look one day and there wasn’t any money in either of them.
